life

Forever Ago

Going back on here feels weird. I used to have such a passion and drive to write. But somehow that faded. I struggled so much with anxiety and depressive thoughts. After a while I just let myself slip away. I never felt happy or secure anymore. I would spend hours upon hours listening to music alone in a dark room, wishing I could be someone else. I never knew what I wanted. It was always a struggle. And as time went on I just gave up on everything. I stopped caring. For myself. My hobbies. School. My dreams. I was like a shell of a person. I simply did what was required went to school, then on college, and juggled working as well. Rinse and repeat. But there was this nagging feeling inside that I wasn’t fulfilled ever. I would come home and have no energy to even do anything. I wanted to just simply sleep the rest of the evening away. No desire to do anything.

But now, I’m determined to come back. I’m back to taking care of myself. I push myself to try new things and enjoy life again. I want to start trying to get back into dating. Making friends. Writing.

At this point in my life I deserve to be happy. And what makes me happy is my love for cartoons, video games, reading, and writing. I’m getting back to watching my favorite anime shows. I want to go back to reading every day. Taking trips to the library. Getting back into fitness. I think before I was too terrified to truly open up. I tried too hard to be someone I wasn’t and to not even let people see the real me. I would barely talk to people in fear of saying something stupid. Or I didn’t want others to think I was childish for still watching kid shows and anime. I did everything in my power to crush that part of myself. But I realized that inside it was as if I dying a little more each time. It left me more and more stressed and miserable. Because I was fighting with myself..and I shouldn’t have.

It’s okay that I would rather spend my Saturday indoors watching the latest episode of anime or curled up with a good book. Or that I could spend hours playing video games. That I’m a huge daydreamer. Or that I still will watch Barbie movies. I’m a child at heart and I always will be till the day I die. But that’s okay. It’s me. And I understand fully now that I need to embrace that.

One of my ex’s told me that I couldn’t see it..but if I would just embrace who I was and just be myself people would really like me. He would tell me how I was too hard on myself worrying about fitting in when the truth was I never needed too. I never believed that. But it was the truth. My whole life it’s been my own fault for struggling so much with trying to make friends, because I didn’t accept myself. I would barely speak to anyone. I shut myself from the outside world. Thinking I was too disgusting or weird for everyone. But slowly I’ve begun to try to open up to others and have found they love me for me. And so what if once in a while I say something weird? No one will remember.

But now that’s all over. Starting today, I’m going to get back that little girl I used to be. The girl who was fearless, passionate, driven. I’m going to find her. And never let her go.

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