life

Where I am now and where I want to go

 I have had quite a rocky history with working. When I was in high school I was really awkward, had no friends, and stayed home being on my computer for hours on end in the evenings and the weekends. My only friends were my parents basically. I did start working some, I took these acting/modeling classes and they had this job opportunity where we would try to get people to join the school..I was really bad at getting sales though because I was too scared to talk. So instead I got paid to literally stand in front of retail stores and wear their clothes for hours on end. It was a job though and it was good for me to get used to working some.

Then after high school, I joined a community college and fucked around for 2 years there. I got a basic associates degree in “Medical Office Administration” and honestly I learned nothing. The classes were mostly ones that I could barely try in and still pass somehow. I started working in retail at a shoe store part time while I was there and then I got a job offer at a medical billing place as their receptionist.

After a year I got promoted to their call center department..so I then got paid to get yelled at daily on the phones. But I was still technically the receptionist, since they never wanted to hire someone to replace me. So, I didn’t take as many calls as my coworkers because I had to do a lot of random data entry tasks that kept me off the phones. Well, after a few years of that we ended up with a new CEO and eventually a new manager. The workload got worse and worse, as we got more clients which meant way more calls. I finally had to tell my new manager I couldn’t keep juggling both things and needed help. So, then my coworkers took over a lot of my receptionist tasks and then I was thrown into taking a huge volume of calls that I wasn’t used to before. I got so lazy and used to not having to take so many calls that when I started having to it made me even more unmotivated at work. I found myself making excuses of why I couldn’t take as many calls, especially once we transitioned to working remotely (this was way before Covid). This is awful to admit but sometimes I would just say I had computer issues to get out of taking calls. I was just so mentally drained and detached from working there, I hated it. I was really anxious still and depressed and I had zero desire to help myself get out of the hole I had gotten myself in. Luckily I was able to find a better position and went ahead and put in my two week notice. Honestly, looking back if I hadn’t done that I would have gotten fired. I am sure my new manager was catching on to me slacking and it was simply a matter of time for the company to get rid of me. Which would have been completely fair. I had become a horrible employee and used to that would bother me. At first when I started there I was super motivated to work extremely hard, I always went above and beyond in everything I did. But I just lost that spark and lost all motivation for work.

So, I thought that with this new (and better paying job) I would finally be happy and magically be this great employee. Which at first I was. I worked so hard in the beginning, it was in a new field I hadn’t worked in. It was also a job that was not retail/a call center so it would look fantastic on my resume. It was doing credentialing for a dental office. It was alot of work for me because I knew nothing about it but that really took it’s toll on me. I started failing back into my old mindset and habits and after a while I couldn’t take the workload anymore. I would go into work and be so overwhelmed with no idea what I should work on. I wasn’t getting told I was doing a bad job, but the company was really all about being super productive and constantly improving and that was so hard to keep up with. There was alot of issues in the position that I was expected to fix and I was too nervous/quiet to really be aggressive enough to get that to happen.

So, after awhile I Just stopped being able to concentrate at all at work. I would go in and sometimes be so zoned out in the evening it felt like I wasn’t even there. I finally lost it and one morning that I had a meeting scheduled I simply walked out the door and never came back. I was too chicken to even call my boss, I simply lied and said I had to leave due to an “emergency” Then ignored him for a few days until I finally got the courage to email him and say I wasn’t coming back. I also got a pretty angry email from the CEO saying how dissapointed he was in me for doing that. And why didn’t I just talk to them directly about what was going on basically.

It was horrible. But I couldn’t in the end bring myself to talk to my boss/the CEO either over the phone or in person. I had forgotten to turn in my office keys, so I begged my husband to drive me to my work and I had him hand the keys to my boss. What a coward move. I blew my chance at staying at a company that I probably could have gotten promoted at and I would have gained so many different skills that really would have helped me secure a even better paying job in the future. I have been struggling ever since then because I quit so spur of the moment I had nothing lined up, ever since then it’s been hell for me to try to bring myself to take another full time gig. I tried a few freelance gigs, but but mostly chickened out of those too. I’ve had countless opportunities for jobs but I would get too scared or have some stupid bullshit excuse as to why I shouldn’t take it. My husband covers most of our large expenses such as food, gas, things for the home, etc. But I still am responsible to pay my personal bills that I have which are quite a lot of credit cards, my car/insurance, and a loan from when I attempted to get my bachelor’s and then ended up dropping out halfway. So on top of that I am quite a bit of debt and I can barely afford to stay above water and pay my bills. I am so sick of doing this and having this victim mentality. I know my problem is that I really am just lazy, I’ve made so many excuses in the past and blamed it on “mental illness” but reality is that I just am really lazy. I know I have to just get off my butt and start caring more about work and just continue to show up at a job every day. I can’t quit every time things get tough. But it is so hard to get out of that victim mindset. Everyday though I spend hours applying to jobs and I tell myself every single day that if an opportunity comes up this time I will not say no. It doesn’t matter what it is or if the pay is super low. I cannot keep letting myself destroy my credit and not pay some of my bills. I also cannot expect my husband to keep footing a lot of expenses because of my laziness. We also have a baby on the way, and I will not let my son grow up seeing his mom be lazy and have zero work ethic. I am determined to get myself out of this hole I’ve gotten in and I will never again let myself get like that again.

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